For the past two weeks I've cultivated a deep and fulfilling relationship with the curmudgeonly crippled doctor. I've whiled away countless hours transfixed in front of my computer, gazing into his deep blue eyes. His course stubble and crass words beckon me. And oh, that shuffled gait. To say he's sexy is an understatement. But when I confessed my longings for House out loud, I was quickly chastised.
WTF? He's fucking hot, I argued.
Am I right, or am I right?!
Um, no he's not, apparently. And then it dawned on me: perhaps House falls into that murky gray area known as "Sexy Ugly."
Many moons ago, my then-boyfriend and I were perusing the shelves at Hollywood video. Remember when people actually did that? Anyway, we happened upon a movie called Kissing Jessica Stein. The movie was entertaining, but what stuck with me most was the term "sexy ugly." Stein's GF uses the term to describe dudes like Mick Jagger, whose mug is totally repulsive, but who exudes so much sex appeal you can't help but be intrigued. (Well I can, but Mick doesn't really fall into my sexy ugly category. Yeah, he's just ugly.) Ever since then, I've not-so-secretly used the term to justify my ridiculous celebrity crushes, which include:
Funny Sexy Ugly
Oh Conan O'Brien, how I've lusted after your fluffy ginger pompadour and chiseled jaw. At 6'4" you tower over your Sexy Ugly brethren. But you're so much more than looks, baby. You're wicked smart, too. I'd off your wife and kids in a heartbeat for a romp in the sack with you. Conan = silly sex. Just my type.
Weird Sexy Ugly
Stringy hair? Check. Creepy glazed-over stare? Check. Unflattering facial comparisons to Michael Jackson? Sadly, check. But whatever, Jack White plays guitar and I really loved Elephant. Sometimes I'm easy to please.
Best Impersonation of Fredrick Douglass Sexy Ugly
Mr. Cheadle here wasn't really even on my radar until I saw this video. Since then, my loins lust for the man who told Mary Todd Lincoln, "Thankyoumuch. For this walking Stick." I'm a sucker for funny.
Baby Pate Sexy Ugly
Together, Tom Colicchio and Evan Handler's shiny bald heads could harness enough solar energy to power my internet searches for "bald guys who can cook, who I'm not convinced are totally straight and who exude Jewish charm." God, what if they mated? I think I'd die.
On a related note, I'm also hot for these decidedly sexy men:
Then all that internet searching for Bruce Willis led me to this pic of my dad. Is that weird?
And on that note, Happy Father's Day, Dad!!!
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