The Grass is NOT Always Greener...

Screw you, WordPress.

My foray into the world of WordPress was fleeting. Once I imported this here blog and discovered I'd lost videos like this and this and of course, this, I realized there was no way I could abandon all my hard work. (And by hard work, I obviously mean recording my students fellating popsicles and imitating enraged felines whilst sitting on my ass.) Besides, all those gadgets and widgets and themes were just too fucking big city for this girl. I'll take my small town Blogger with her simple themes any day.

I'm sorry I cheated on you, Blogger. I promise to blog with you, and only you, as long as we both shall live.

And also, I'm officially blogging from America!*



*So long as I'm gainfully employed with kick ass health insurance within the next 60 days.

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we...

Today, I miss my *Korean Life.

 Sperm and egg kimchi bokumbap

Makin' banana bread at Stone's Kitchen 

Social sleeping in Pyeongchon 

Casey the Spy 

Chucks at Weekend at Sunny's 

Another lifetime at Uncle Don's Bar 

Go Stop at Gwangali Beach 

That's "gracamoie" to you 

Fried chicken nuggets and tater tots at 4AM? Of course. 

Lotus in my 'hood 

The time I killed Marty at Sunday Funday 

Mustaches for Dawn and me 

The Family Mart snowman 

Raiden the Spiderkitty! 

Taylor Swift at Olympic Stadium 

So close! 

Jamie's mango vagina. Bus rides are boring, y'all.

All these pics were taken with my shitty LG Compact Tomb (yes, that's its real name) over the course of three years.

*I don't really miss Korea, just my life there. A fine distinction...

Odds and ends

I'm not in university, but damn, it FEELS like I am. I've been studying like a mad woman for the past five weeks for a job that I kinda *really* want.

See, the day I stepped foot in America, I scored an interview with the Boise Police Department. I know, don't let your jealousy overwhelm you. Anyway, because the county is super efficient, they set the interview SIX WEEKS out. Mayhaps they knew that although my University diploma says I'm well-versed in the workings of the American Criminal Justice system, at this point I'm more familiar with Konglish Interpretation and Charades with six year olds. Anyway, I've been trying my damnedest to use this time wisely (and we all we know I usually squander my free time here). In the past five weeks I have:

• Comprehensively reviewed Idaho domestic violence laws, stalking statutes, and rape statutes. Did you know a man can't legally be raped in Idaho? Just a bit of food for thought...
• Reviewed Idaho criminal, civil, and juvenile court procedure. Did you know that when a defendant is found "not guilty" their bond is exonerated or returned? I always wondered what happened to all that cheddah.
• Compiled a comprehensive list of all community resources available to victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault. Did you know the WCA offers *free* domestic violence and sexual assault orientations to the public?
• Attended an informational tour of the Women's and Children's Alliance. Did you know these are offered once a month and are totally free to the public?

AND,

• Rode along with my Favorite Boise Police Officer as he patrolled the valley last Saturday night. Did you know my ex-boyfriend has been arrested no less than a dozen times in the past three years? (Okay, so that one's not really educational so much as it is oddly satisfying.)

The rest of this week is wicked busy, as I have an un-related job interview on Wednesday; a domestic violence orientation that same evening; a tour of FACES, a local family advocacy and education service center; and an observation at a domestic battery hearing. In addition, I've started writing down potential questions and answers so that I am fully prepared for this damn interview.

Wish me luck!

NEVER be lenient with chickens...

This is what I've learned on the Urban Farm, more widely known as the Armagost/Jones home. My friends are vacationing in Korea and Japan, and while they're off galavanting in the Far East, I've been relegated to the task of urban farming. Most days this only includes feeding and watering five chickens, two cats, and one three-legged dog. But there's been a mutinous air about the farm recently. Stella, the black and white hen who obviously rules the roost, somehow convinced the other chickens to break free! So yesterday, in the blustery rain, I chased five chickens in circles, trying to regale them back into the coop. With all the feisty hens safely pent-up, the sun broke through and this is what I got:

Also, I took all these shots with my brand-spanking-used Sony Cybershot. I bought it off a guy on the street for $45. Not bad, eh?! 

Speaking Easy

`A few weeks ago, before I left Korea, I told a friend I'd try to submit a piece to Speakeasy, a magazine for expats and Koreans in Seoul. Each issue has a theme, and last month's was "Plan B", something with which I feel VERY familiar right now. I hope you like it.

I am knee deep in Plan B, but I always have been. Allow me to elaborate. 

Plan A is Successful. She sets goals and completes tasks. She is prepared. Plan A has guts, bravado, courage, forthrightness. She does research, makes lists, checks them twice. Plan A returns phone calls. She has an impeccable resume and she knows how to use it. Plan A is never called a flake, always meets deadlines, and most certainly never has to be asked twice to pay her internet bill, as it is late again. 

Plan A is Confident. Plan A has shiny hair and well-manicured hands. When she smiles her eyes crinkle and her teeth sparkle. When she walks, her spine is straight, her shoulders are back, her steps quick and sure. Plan A wears pearls and carries Coach.  Her chinos are always perfectly pressed, her cardigan the precise shade of success. Plan A is never disheveled, always looks refreshed, and most certainly does not know the meaning of “No Shower Monday”.

Plan A is Healthy. Plan A takes care of her body. She moisturizes and exfoliates and always brushes her teeth before bed. She dutifully puts in her time on the treadmill and knows how to say no to shitty Korean birthday cake. Plan A loves kale and asparagus and quinoa. She reads Fit magazine during the morning commute. Plan A knows her limit and respectfully declines when she’s “had enough”. Plan A never gets tanked on Sunday night, always hits the gym at 6 AM, and most certainly never engages in such debauchery that she vomits in her own bed.

Plan A is Desirable. Her class and elegance are admired by women, her firm ass and pert breasts lusted after by men. She is universally liked and respected. Plan A knows when to flash a toned thigh to get what she wants. She never lies on her Match.com profile and rarely disappoints in person. Plan A is well-rounded. She embraces the arts, history, and literature. Plan A never stumbles over her words, always knows how to ask for what she wants in bed, and would most certainly never shuffle down Gangnam-ro in a walk of shame.

Plan A is the epitome of aspiration and hopefulness. She is my best foot forward and my blind optimism. Plan A is my ideal self, and for a few fleeting moments every morning she exists. When the beep of my alarms sounds and I roll over to greet a new day, Plan A is in full effect.  I am successful, confident, healthy and desirable. My hair is shiny, my eyes are bright, my wit and charm are irrepressible. 

I am  Plan A and I am invincible. That is, until I hit the snooze button for a solid 30 minutes before floundering out of bed with just enough time to wash the bed sheet creases outta my face, slap on a smudge of make-up, and race out the door to catch the 144. Plan A may be successful, confident, healthy, and desirable, but Plan B’s a tenacious stalker who always  snares her prey.

You can check out the rest of this issue and past issues at www.speakeasyseoul.com.