Speaking Easy

`A few weeks ago, before I left Korea, I told a friend I'd try to submit a piece to Speakeasy, a magazine for expats and Koreans in Seoul. Each issue has a theme, and last month's was "Plan B", something with which I feel VERY familiar right now. I hope you like it.

I am knee deep in Plan B, but I always have been. Allow me to elaborate. 

Plan A is Successful. She sets goals and completes tasks. She is prepared. Plan A has guts, bravado, courage, forthrightness. She does research, makes lists, checks them twice. Plan A returns phone calls. She has an impeccable resume and she knows how to use it. Plan A is never called a flake, always meets deadlines, and most certainly never has to be asked twice to pay her internet bill, as it is late again. 

Plan A is Confident. Plan A has shiny hair and well-manicured hands. When she smiles her eyes crinkle and her teeth sparkle. When she walks, her spine is straight, her shoulders are back, her steps quick and sure. Plan A wears pearls and carries Coach.  Her chinos are always perfectly pressed, her cardigan the precise shade of success. Plan A is never disheveled, always looks refreshed, and most certainly does not know the meaning of “No Shower Monday”.

Plan A is Healthy. Plan A takes care of her body. She moisturizes and exfoliates and always brushes her teeth before bed. She dutifully puts in her time on the treadmill and knows how to say no to shitty Korean birthday cake. Plan A loves kale and asparagus and quinoa. She reads Fit magazine during the morning commute. Plan A knows her limit and respectfully declines when she’s “had enough”. Plan A never gets tanked on Sunday night, always hits the gym at 6 AM, and most certainly never engages in such debauchery that she vomits in her own bed.

Plan A is Desirable. Her class and elegance are admired by women, her firm ass and pert breasts lusted after by men. She is universally liked and respected. Plan A knows when to flash a toned thigh to get what she wants. She never lies on her Match.com profile and rarely disappoints in person. Plan A is well-rounded. She embraces the arts, history, and literature. Plan A never stumbles over her words, always knows how to ask for what she wants in bed, and would most certainly never shuffle down Gangnam-ro in a walk of shame.

Plan A is the epitome of aspiration and hopefulness. She is my best foot forward and my blind optimism. Plan A is my ideal self, and for a few fleeting moments every morning she exists. When the beep of my alarms sounds and I roll over to greet a new day, Plan A is in full effect.  I am successful, confident, healthy and desirable. My hair is shiny, my eyes are bright, my wit and charm are irrepressible. 

I am  Plan A and I am invincible. That is, until I hit the snooze button for a solid 30 minutes before floundering out of bed with just enough time to wash the bed sheet creases outta my face, slap on a smudge of make-up, and race out the door to catch the 144. Plan A may be successful, confident, healthy, and desirable, but Plan B’s a tenacious stalker who always  snares her prey.

You can check out the rest of this issue and past issues at www.speakeasyseoul.com.