Welcome to Adulthood

A few days ago I got to play counselor to a former summer school student, at which time I said her current group of friends suck and politely told her "you are who you hang out with." Wise words, Ms. Page. Mayhaps I should be taking my own advice...

Enrique Iglesias wants to f*ck me

So I came home to no job, no car, and no place to live, but at least I've got this:

Mindy's Super Scientific Analysis of America's Lifeblood

I never intended to go this long between posts, but the weeks leading up to my departure from Ko-ree-yah were so freaking busy. Somehow, in the span of three years, I managed to create a busy, frenetic, and demanding social life (read: full of beers and food) that I had zero time to sit down and compose my thoughts. Go figure. Besides, I suspected that if I had, it would have just turned into one giant crying lag. And no one wants to read my bitching and moaning, especially as it comes just one short year after I was bitching and moaning about how I loathed Seoul. So yeah...

Anyway, there are lots of things I fully intend to write about, but they are not for today. Today is for coffee. Specifically drip coffee, the kind Korean baristas *foolishly* make to order, then charge exorbitant prices for, all in the name of exclusivity.

As you well know, I had a love affair with my local Starfucks. It was warm and cozy and full of squashy armchairs that were perfect for Sunday afternoon lounging. It was usually packed full of studious yet fashionable Koreans chattering away or sleeping. Sometimes both. And it was familiar. Hell, I spent the entire month of December 2009 hooked up the their wifi, as mine was unceremoniously cut off when I didn't pay the bill as I was saving all my won for knockoff Rolexes in China. Starfucks even saved my life once, but that's another story.

Anyway, I knew if I was to be successfully unemployed for any amount of time, I was gonna have to make job searching my full time, well, JOB. Coffee shops make the best offices, so each morning I have dutifully rolled outta bed, showered, and hightailed it out the door. However, I was heartbroken to find my favorite Starbucks on Capital and Idaho had closed. I looked up the street, sure another would be just around the corner. Nope. There are zero Starbucks in downtown Boise. Extremely sad, I quietly ducked into Java down the street and realized coffee shops in Boise are, for lack of a better word, quaint. If I spend more than one consecutive day in any shop, the damn baristas start asking all kinds of questions about my bizness. Do not like. So in addition to my job searching, I have embarked on a super scientific analysis of downtown coffee shops. I'ma call it:

Drip Coffee is a Right, NOT a Privilege! 

Mindy's Super Scientific Analysis of America's Lifeblood

(For the record, I would have included pics, but I dropped my shiny new Nikon in a frothy beverage on dollar beer night. And I have a Cricket phone sans camera, which kinda says a lot about my life right now...)

Up first, Starfucks on Broadway

Kick Ass!:

• $1.50 for a cup of joe, but I had to ask the bitchface barista for a ceramic mug (drip coffee in a paper cup is just sad, y'all)
• The setting was familiar, as I spent many afternoons studying here in my formative years
• I got to listen to a set of parents ream their son about his meager class load
• Free parking

Blows Chunks:

• Remodeling = zero squashy chairs
• Natural light is nonexistent. I know I'm supposed to be job searching and all, but sometimes I need a "reading/drawing ridiculous Easter cards" break
• Full of crusty old professors

Flying M at 5th and Idaho
Kick Ass!:

• By far the cheapest cup of joe at $1.35
• No need to ask for a ceramic mug at this trendy joint, they KNOW I wanna save the world
• UH-MAZINGGG gift shop
• It hasn't changed much since I started haunting the place in junior high
• Most excellent people watching...

Blows Chunks:

• But, ugh, this place is full of hipsters
• Gotta pump the meter or park a few blocks away (maybe that should be a positive...)
• No liquid sugar

Java at 6th and Idaho

Kick Ass!:

• $1.45 for a cup of joe
• Good mix of students, grown-ups, and downtown freaks
• Liquid sugar!
• Ceramic mugs are a given

Blows Chunks:

• Pumping the meter, AGAIN
• Ummm, it's not Starfucks?

Tully's at Capital and Idaho 

*I should hate this place on principle because they ousted my Starfucks, but...

Kick Ass!:

• I cannot remember the price, but the blueberry and white choco scone was fan-fucking-tastic
• I ran into Miss Amanda Morgan there!
• Liquid sugar

Blows Chunks:

• IT IS NOT STARBUCKS

Big City Coffee at Grove and 15th 

Kick Ass!:

• Unlimited free parking!
• A most excellent deli case with amazing-looking sammies
• A big 'ol bay door that opens to the street in summer
• No need to ask for ceramic mugs, that's all they've got

Blows Chunks:

• At $2.07, by far the most expensive cup of coffee out there
• AND, I had to pour it myself. WTF?!
• Not only did they not have liquid sugar, they only had sugar packets. Double WTF?!

Moxie Java at 6th and Main

Kick Ass!:

• $1.43 for a cup of joe, but I had to ask for a mug
• I've been sitting here since 2PM, (basically alone as this place is D.E.A.D.) and the barista doesn't seem to mind my intrusion
• Moxie is a local joint, and since everything else in Boise as gone tets up, I feel good supporting the underdog
• Mariah Carey's Make It Happen is playing right now!

Blows Chunks:

• This place is seriously dead. How in the world are they still open??
• Closing time is 6PM (although, in light of the extreme lack of customers, I suppose I can see their point)
• Pumping the meter, again. BUT my friendo Dave is a meter maid in my lot. Mayhaps he'll cut me a deal...
• Where the fuck is the bathroom? I have to pee like a damn racehorse

In my scientific opinion, which is based mostly on whim, liquid sugar availability, and the dreaded parking sitch, Big City Coffee should win, hands down.  

However, (and it's a big however) I just overheard Supa Cool Moxie Barista say to his skater BF that THIS Moxie is the Original Gangsta! Yep, the first one! Hot damn, that deserves some extra points, right? That, and the fact that it's closing in four months. That's like the fat white girl on American Idol announcing she's got cancer. How do you NOT give her the win? So...

Moxie at 6th and Main FOR THE WIN!

(I guess)

Tomorrow I'ma continue my analysis at Dawson's at 8th and Bannock. They better have liquid sugar.

Avocados and Quinoa

Job hunting has mostly been fruitful and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. However, as I type this, I'm seated in my cozy classroom, listening to The Whitest Boy Alive while fielding grammar questions from a class full of first graders. So yeah, my job is pretty cake at the moment. Why on Earth would I ever return to The Land of the Living? I've been asking myself that same question for awhile. I think it's so I can eat avocados and quinoa whenever I damn well please.

When I know the answer definitively, I'll get back to you...

My time is running out...

Bleeding Love

I have completely neglected this bitch. But don't feel bad, I've pretty much neglected e'erything else as well. As a matter of fact, dishes from my last home-cooked meal (read: the morning of Sunday, February 6th) are continuing to rot in the sink. Don't judge. I got food poisoning that night and puked so hard snot dripped outta my nose and tears streaked my face. Which leads me to today, Valentine's Day. A day for sappy sentiments and even sadder, sappier suckers. I have nothing against Valentine's Day. As a matter of fact, I've had a handful of awesomely successful Valentine's chock full of flowers and food and sex.

Today was not one of those days.

Today I had to make a trip to Kooky Korean Doc's so that I could fish around in my own poop so that in a week Kooky Korean Doc can tell me if I'm gonna die, or if I just have hemorrhoids. Or colon cancer. Or E.coli poisoning. (Yeah, pretty sure it's not that last one, but if it is, hooray for my new "I'm headed home soon and need to lose 20 pounds FAST" diet plan!)

So yeah, this Valentine's Day was THE SHIT!

*As much as I'd fucking love to end this post with that wildly successful pun, I can't. After I told Kooky Korean Doc about my probs, he asked me the routine follow-up questions: What did you eat? Are you feeling stress? How is your sleep? Do you have lelijun? WAIT. WHAT?

"Do you have lelijun?" he repeated. I ran the word through my Konglish Translator. Lesions? Do I have lesions?

"Like spots?" I asked, still baffled.

"You are American? Do you have L-E-L-I... I am Christian!" Kooky Korean Doc proudly proclaimed, as he pointed to the Bible on his desk.

Oh FUCK.

"Uh, no, I do not have RE-LI-JUN," I enunciated carefully. But back to the potentially cancerous growth in my intestines, if you will.

"You are happy?"

Exasperated sigh. "Yes, I am happy."

"Me! I am happy or not happy?"

REALLY exasperated sigh. "Uh, happy?"

And on it went until he pulled out a sheet of paper entitled "Seven Steps to Spirituality: Reasons Mindy's NOT Getting into Heaven", or some such ridiculousness.

*Parenthetically: I am all for religious freedom -- practice it, revel in it, bathe your damn kids in it -- but for fuck's sake please, please, PLEASE keep it at church. And while we're at it, keep it off the streets of Itaewon, everyone there is already going to hell. Oh, and my front doorstep too.

Anyway, seeings how I could never say any of those things to Kooky Korean Doc, I batted my eyes, smiled politely and said, "Religion is for church. Health is for hospital. Please, no religion here."

He sat back. He smiled. Then he asked if I was ready to poop.

Double-spacing, and other typeface tragedies

It's snowing again, so this is officially how I plan to spend my remaining five Sundays in Korea:

My rusty, trusty Pearl, a little Murakami, and a vanilla chai tea latte.  Also, that wallpaper is actually a photo taken by my friend Greg, of One Wandering Mustache. He's been WWOOF'ing and photographing in New Zealand for nearly a year. He sometimes posts photos on his blog, but if you can find him on facebook, check out his albums. They are truly breathtaking.

Anyway.

I had a date with Eurohot this morning. Friday afternoon we got all ambitious and decided to hunker down in this here Starfucks to bang out resumes, cover letters, and all matters of indecent proposals in search of stateside employment. However I suspect Eurohot got stupid drunk last night, as he canceled at 3AM, so I'm all alone this morning. And when left to my own devices, I rarely make good use of my time. So I guess I'll blog.

I read this article last week about how double-spacing after the period is all outdated and unnecessary, and for some strange reason I'm still pondering it. Mayhaps I'm trying to avoid real-life. Anyway, I graduated with a degree in the Social Sciences of Uselessness, so I'm used to employing the APA Style Manual. However, the Blogger text wrap function (or whatever the hell it is) doesn't recognize my precious double-spacing, making some of my text look all wonky. I've been fighting the double-space urge for three years (read: when I started this rant), but like Pavlov's dogs, my thumb can't resist hitting the space bar twice after my eyes see that period. And muscle memory is damn hard to override. So today I'm making a conscious effort to join the hipster masses and just. space. once.

In other, potentially less boring news, Casey the Human has started a Korean bucket list. Sort of a list of thangs she'd like to check off before she leaves this island peninsula forevah. I've been thinking a lot about my own bucket list, which then got me to thinking about all the cool stuff I've put my body, mind, and taste buds through in the past three years.

So here, in no particular order, are the Cliff's Notes of my time in Korea:

• Mudfest 2008, wherein I slathered my body in mud, frolicked on the beach, and drank myself into oblivion for two whole days
• Tumbled down a flight of stairs, breaking two teeth, my nose, and my lip but not my spirit, BY GOD!
• On multiple occasions had my entire naked body scrubbed raw by a middle-aged Korean woman, and LIKED it
• Eaten more kimchi, rice, pork spine soup, bone marrow, fried squid, abalone porridge, takoyaki, and sea snails than one person ever should
• Lived through multiple outbreaks of hoof and mouth disease and swine flu
• Traveled by plain, train, rented car, and luxury bus to Busan, Jeju (twice) Gangneung, Anmyeondo, Boryeong, Daegu, Cheongdo, and Jinju.
• Saw Korean bullfighting, which is really just two bulls fighting one another. Far less gory than the Spanish version, but no less weird.
• Walked along Suwon Fortrtess, Jinju Fortress, visited Gyeongbukgung, Doeksugung, Changdeokgung, and bowed at countless buddhist temples
• Danced on a bar in Sinsadong on NYE
• Suckered into attending the Jinju Lantern Festival because, as Erica put it, "It's like Korea's Carnivale!" Erica's such a liar...
• Swam in the Yellow Sea, the East Sea and the Korean Strait
• Lived through three typhoons (okay, one was in Taiwan, but whatevs) and Snowpocalypse 2010
• Played tour guide to Dawn, Sara (twice!), moms, and Michelle
• Slept in some scummy places, the worst being the minbak in Gangneung, Independence Day, summer 2008. The proprieter (a regular Heidi Fleiss) kicked out some working girls to make room for our party of eight. The whole place stank of urine and had more spider webs than Zuckerman's  barn. After drowning our sorrows at a local bar, we all curled up on some blood-stained pillows, vowing to hunt for better digs the next night.
• Hiked Gwanaksan and drank makkoli at the top like a champ
• Pocketed seashells from no less than ten Korean beaches
• Took a midnight party bus to Busan with two Kiwis, two Aussies, and one massive Tongan, all in the name of a surf weekend
• RAIN in concert. Need I say more?
• Took a Korean lovah
• Traveled to Beijing, Shanghai, Bangkok, Phuket, Ko Phi Phi, Siem Reap, Angkor Wat, and Taipei (thanks, shitty hagwon jobs!)

AND...

• Broke my finger at Castle Praha. That sucker bled so fucking much that I puked from shock on the bar floor three times.

All in all, a successful three years, I'd say.