Winner winner, chicken dinner

I should prolly just go ahead and rename this blog Ashley Kwan: Musings of a 7 Year Old Korean Cutie because, basically, I'm just ripping her off at this point.

Usually Steph, Casey, Laura and I trudge down the stairs each morning to a chanted greeting courtesy of Ash and (her far less enthusiastic counterpart) Ashlee.

"Minnndeee. Steph-an-neee. Cay-seeeeee."

This morning Ash was standing at the foot of the stairs, all alone, hands hidden behind her back.

"I have a present for you, Mindy Teacher, " she cooed, then presented me with a small canary yellow envelope, complete with Aristocats stickers. "I made an eraser for you. Remember our game yesterday?!"

*Let me back up a bit.  Yesterday I was wandering through class while my students dutifully attempted to complete FOUR pages of double-digit addition and subtraction problems.  Some of them are very slow, and some of them are quite fast.  But none are as fast as Ms. Kwan.  I stood behind her in awe as she robotically and methodically wrote each answer, never bothering to "carry" or "borrow" or show her work AT ALL.  It was amazing.

Naturally, I had to show the child who was boss, so I did what any self-respecting teacher would have done: I challenged her to an old-fashioned Math Duel!  36 addition and subtraction problems, winner takes ALL. (Including their opponent's dignity and self-respect, apparently.)

I photocopied a review page from her math book.  We each sat at our respective desks, and when Cailyn yelled "GO!" we flipped those suckers over and counted for our lives.  The students watched over my shoulder, marveling at how efficiently I completed first grade equations.  They taunted Ash.  I finished first and cheered Ash on, because not only am I a teacher, I'm a good sport too.  She finished about 30 seconds behind me.  If only I'd taken those precious 30 seconds to check my work, perhaps I would have seen my errors.  But alas, my confidence got the better of me.

Ash missed only one problem.  I missed three.  Because I didn't pay attention.  Because I did what I accuse my students of doing.  Because I worked too fast and valued speed over accuracy.  Because I added when I should have subtracted.  DAMMIT!

Blue Class cheered.  Mindy Teacher hung her head in shame.

Back to this morning.  Inside the envelope was a homemade eraser and a handwritten note:

10/25/2010

Dear Mindy,

     Thank you for teaching us in Blue Class!  Do you remember yesterday we had a math game?  Good game!  I am the winner winner, chicken dinner.  Where did you learn all the silly words?  Like winner winner, chicken dinner and lier lier, pants on fire?  I think you learned it from your mom.  Or your dad.  I like you very very much!  What are you going to be on Halloween?  I want you to lead us to the scary haunted house.  I made this earaser.  Do you like it?

                                                                                                           To: Mindy

                                                                                                                     From: Ash

Your Student 

Ash <3 

 Methinks she made the eraser as some sort of subliminal message.

"Winner winner, chicken dinner"?  "Good game"?  Ugh, I am such the smitten kitten for this kid!

Salinger, Hemmingway, Han and Kwan

Gah. The silence is killing me. Apparently putting fingertips to keyboard proved far too much work for me this month. Lazy ass.  Well, since I'm already in the shitter for October, might as well continue my indolence with a post fit for a Lazy Ass.

Coming to you all the way from Blue Class is Jeffrey Han, Dumb Blonde Thorn in My Side.  Seriously, this kid fell from the Tree of Common Sense and missed EVERY damn branch on the way down.  I can actually see the hamster standing on the wheel. But sometimes Jeffrey pulls a perfectly cut gem outta his ass; one with so much clarity and insight, I am compelled to bow down before him and kiss his stupid little "indoor shoes". (BTW, what is up with the whole "indoor shoe" thang, Korea?  It's not like teachers or staff or parents take off their shoes in our halls or classrooms.  What's the big fuss?  Mindless Drone-ism, methinks.)

Anyway, without further ado, I bring you:

The Strangest Thing I Have Seen

By Jeffrey Han

Something strange I have seen is a monkey.  Two months ago, my family and I went to the animals park in Everland.  We watched a group of Japanese monkeys.  Some of the monkeys have red puffy butts.  It looked so disgusting and dirty.  I thought they got a Swine flue or cancer.  I couldn't leave because they were so weird.  Finally, we found a staff and ask him.  He answered when they wants to marry the male, their butt gets big.  It was so strange I have seen.

 He's right.  That's pretty damn weird.

My second offering comes from Ashley Kwan.  If it were at all possible to bottle up sass, spunk, and pure unadulterated personality, she'd be the fucking Daddy Warbucks of that shit.  She is amazing.  Today, she told Stephanie that Blue Class was gonna take Green Class "down to the town", as in downtown.  She's an epic shit talker.  It's like she was birthed from mine own sarcastic, snarky loins.  Oh, and she's got some wicked vocab application skillz.  (Of note: compromise, a word Blue Class knows well.)

For your reading pleasure:

The Strangest Thing I Have Seen

By Ashley Kwan

I saw something strange it was a turtle with two faces!  I saw that in Coex auwkqureaum (Aquarium. This is why English is hard.)  and I saw a snake with two faces too!!  I thought it was a monster or an eliain, but it was not a monster or an eliain it was an animal.  I am worried that the two faces on the turtle don't compromise!  Because when one face goes to the left, the other one is going to the right!  Then they will have a fight and that will happen to the snakes!  I think the snakes will bite each other.  I was surprized when I saw them!

"Surprised" is an understatement, child.  That is just gross.

On a serious note (I know), Blue Class has been honing their writing skills over the past seven months.  They have been working diligently to development their "writer's voice".  We have practiced informative writing, summary writing, and enough personal narratives to last me a damn century.  But it wasn't until last week when Casey offered them the famous Halloween prompt, "In a deep dark forest there was a deep dark house..." that I realized just how far they've come.  Their journals were full of super sentences; full of details and imagery; full of imagination.  I was astonished.  

I do not fancy myself a writer; It is a hobby I enjoy, and if I happen to entertain a few along the way, well then, fuckin' ay.  But I do think it is important.  At least as important as speaking and listening and definitely more important than most of the rote memorization hagwons cram down my kids' throats.  I guess what I'm getting at is that they're getting it! and I couldn't be prouder.* 

*I actually typed "pruder".  I prolly could be pruder.

An open letter to H&M

Dear H&M,

My name is Mindy Page.  For the past few years I have been living in Seoul, South Korea. Last Saturday I decided to make the trek to one of your two Myeong-dong stores. (BTW, why are there two H&Ms within 100 meters of each other??) On most days shopping in Myeong-dong is an exercise in masochism -- at best it is frustrating and overwhelming and at worst it is downright fucking disastrous.  But on this day I was feeling optimistic.  I was readying myself for an epic beach vacation on the sunny sands of southern Taiwan.  Thinking at the last minute I might need a pair of lounging sweatpants, I crossed my fingers and elbowed my way through the crowds.

Now, I am ALWAYS too much woman for Korea. I live in a country full of leggy, boyish ballerinas who all seem to wear the same size: FREE SIZE. A good 50% of the time H&M is a complete bust for me.  I have a lot of tits and ass (and a little in between) and to be honest, I'm usually too much woman for you, too. But sometimes a big risk reaps big rewards.  I happened upon a pair of cropped black sweatpants in the "sports" section.  On a whim, I took those suckas into the dressing room, tugged them over my ass, and whaddya know?! They fit! At 29,000 won, they were overpriced, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.  But you do get what you need.  I forked over my cash with a smile.

Boy am I glad I did. Typhoon Motherfucking Fanapi decided to blow straight through Southern Taiwan, wreaking havoc and flooding everything in its path, including the beach town of Kenting, my destination. And all I'd packed were my swimsuit, two beach cover-ups, three tank tops and my new H&M sweatpants.

For five straight days I wore the shit outta those sweatpants.  They rode a luxury bus, countless cabs, the subway and one bullet train. They went to the top of Taipei 101 in the day and the Shilin Night Market.  They strolled Ximen and dined at World Toilet. I dressed them up for a night of sashimi, and down for a morning of shepherd's pie. They weathered hurricane force winds, buckets of rain, sand, sweat, and two 100+ degree days strolling the city. All this without stretching out, piling, or fading.

This was the best 29,000 won I've ever spent. Thanks, H&M!

Love Always and Forever,
Mindy Page

"Oh hey guys, wanna see my hair extensions?" Um, YEAH WE DO.

Thursday night I decided to park my ass in front of the Mini-Stop and do what foreigners do best: drink into oblivion.  Of course, this being a school night and all I had to start early.  I decided 6PM was completely socially acceptable.  Besides, the locals in my neighborhood set the bar pretty low; being wasted by 8PM is a total WIN.  Anyway, because I shot my wad before the weekend had officially started, I was retarded by Friday night and wanted nothing more than to curl up in an air-conditioned cocoon and check out until Saturday afternoon, when I would no doubt emerge a refreshed butterfly, ready to take on the weekend.

The ladies had other plans.

Friday night Casey decided to have a yard sale, or as I preferred to call it, "Come take all the shit I no longer want because I went to America and got loads of WAY BETTER shit-travaganza".  This is also when Casey whipped out the hair cape.  Check it out:




And because video is never, EVER enough, we had to strike poses in a hair cape photo shoot.

"Oh hai."

"We are fucking fabulous."

"Do you think god will smite us for wearing really bad hair extensions?  'Cause Paris Hilton's still alive and all..."

Mother's milk, jellyfish, and Andrew Teacher's wandering eyes

This is Andrew, my co-teacher:

He is a tasty dish, no?

On Friday, he got all spiffy and came to work in a tie and dress pants.  The kids said he looked like a husband.  Me?  Well I rolled into work looking like I'd hopped the 6AM train from hell with just enough time to change my clothes, scrub the bed sheet creases outta my cheeks and throw on a hoodie. Or you know, a No-Shower Friday. Typical.

Anyway, after my kids saw Andrew, one of them was apparently inspired to write this gem.  In it's entirety:

Mindy Teacher and Andrew Teacher is married.  Mindy has a baby in her belly. (We just learned 'belly'. Hello, retention!)  When they married Andrew Teacher and Mindy Teacher kissed. (You bet yer sweet ass we did.)  After nine months the baby was born.  Mindy Teacher and Andrew Teacher was happy.  Mindy Teacher made mother's milk.  Mindy Teacher feed the baby mother's milk.  Andrew Teacher saw Mindy Teacher's jellyfish.  (Blue Class slang for boobies.  And also, note the use of possessive nouns.  So proud!)  So Mindy was surprized so Mindy Teacher yelled "don't look at my jellyfish!"  And the baby was surprized so the baby cried.  -Ashley Kwan

There are literally no words for how proud I felt.  Vocab retention and use of possessive nouns?! Hallelujah, they ARE learning!

My favorite color is rainbow

Sometimes a girl needs a break.

Anyway.

You know how when you have a dog and it's the center of your universe? You smother it with love and kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs.  Everything you own is covered in dog fluff because you take that damn dog with you everywhere.  It is your constant companion.

And then one day, you bring home another dog.  This New Dog is in no way a replacement. As a matter of fact, this New Dog is supposed to keep Top Dog company.  But that's not how Top Dog sees it.  New Dog is the ultimate threat, only there to usurp your limited amount of love, kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs. So Top Dog starts vying for your affection in the most pathetic ways. Top Dog is all, "Look at me! Look at me!" Barking and dancing around as soon as you open the front door; using his free time to devise elaborate fetching routines to impress you with; smothering you with love, kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs.

On Monday morning a new student joined Blue Class, and Blue Class instantly became all, "Look at me!  Look at me!"  By lunch time my desk was littered with I Love You cards and Thank You for Teaching Us cards.  They had even turned the entire white board into one giant Thank You note, complete with pictures of Shelby, my *actual* Top Dog.

Most of the cards are tacked to walls around my desk, but this gem had to come home with me.  It's fridge-worthy, dammit!

From Ashley, who is ambidextrous 

and insists upon signing her name with hearts. *SWOON*

And inside:

An explosion of hearts and stars and rainbows and gumdrops. 

No need for words; I think this says it all.

So, how was your day?

Extremely Frustrating and Incredibly Boring

So yeah, I finished the damn book and was utterly... UNDERWHELMED. The ending was so frustratingly devoid of, well, anything. Kind of like this post.

So here:


My second favorite ginger, Josh Homme, lending the "What, What in the Butt" guy a little harmony.

Happy Hump Day!