An open letter to H&M

Dear H&M,

My name is Mindy Page.  For the past few years I have been living in Seoul, South Korea. Last Saturday I decided to make the trek to one of your two Myeong-dong stores. (BTW, why are there two H&Ms within 100 meters of each other??) On most days shopping in Myeong-dong is an exercise in masochism -- at best it is frustrating and overwhelming and at worst it is downright fucking disastrous.  But on this day I was feeling optimistic.  I was readying myself for an epic beach vacation on the sunny sands of southern Taiwan.  Thinking at the last minute I might need a pair of lounging sweatpants, I crossed my fingers and elbowed my way through the crowds.

Now, I am ALWAYS too much woman for Korea. I live in a country full of leggy, boyish ballerinas who all seem to wear the same size: FREE SIZE. A good 50% of the time H&M is a complete bust for me.  I have a lot of tits and ass (and a little in between) and to be honest, I'm usually too much woman for you, too. But sometimes a big risk reaps big rewards.  I happened upon a pair of cropped black sweatpants in the "sports" section.  On a whim, I took those suckas into the dressing room, tugged them over my ass, and whaddya know?! They fit! At 29,000 won, they were overpriced, but sometimes you can't always get what you want.  But you do get what you need.  I forked over my cash with a smile.

Boy am I glad I did. Typhoon Motherfucking Fanapi decided to blow straight through Southern Taiwan, wreaking havoc and flooding everything in its path, including the beach town of Kenting, my destination. And all I'd packed were my swimsuit, two beach cover-ups, three tank tops and my new H&M sweatpants.

For five straight days I wore the shit outta those sweatpants.  They rode a luxury bus, countless cabs, the subway and one bullet train. They went to the top of Taipei 101 in the day and the Shilin Night Market.  They strolled Ximen and dined at World Toilet. I dressed them up for a night of sashimi, and down for a morning of shepherd's pie. They weathered hurricane force winds, buckets of rain, sand, sweat, and two 100+ degree days strolling the city. All this without stretching out, piling, or fading.

This was the best 29,000 won I've ever spent. Thanks, H&M!

Love Always and Forever,
Mindy Page

"Oh hey guys, wanna see my hair extensions?" Um, YEAH WE DO.

Thursday night I decided to park my ass in front of the Mini-Stop and do what foreigners do best: drink into oblivion.  Of course, this being a school night and all I had to start early.  I decided 6PM was completely socially acceptable.  Besides, the locals in my neighborhood set the bar pretty low; being wasted by 8PM is a total WIN.  Anyway, because I shot my wad before the weekend had officially started, I was retarded by Friday night and wanted nothing more than to curl up in an air-conditioned cocoon and check out until Saturday afternoon, when I would no doubt emerge a refreshed butterfly, ready to take on the weekend.

The ladies had other plans.

Friday night Casey decided to have a yard sale, or as I preferred to call it, "Come take all the shit I no longer want because I went to America and got loads of WAY BETTER shit-travaganza".  This is also when Casey whipped out the hair cape.  Check it out:




And because video is never, EVER enough, we had to strike poses in a hair cape photo shoot.

"Oh hai."

"We are fucking fabulous."

"Do you think god will smite us for wearing really bad hair extensions?  'Cause Paris Hilton's still alive and all..."

Mother's milk, jellyfish, and Andrew Teacher's wandering eyes

This is Andrew, my co-teacher:

He is a tasty dish, no?

On Friday, he got all spiffy and came to work in a tie and dress pants.  The kids said he looked like a husband.  Me?  Well I rolled into work looking like I'd hopped the 6AM train from hell with just enough time to change my clothes, scrub the bed sheet creases outta my cheeks and throw on a hoodie. Or you know, a No-Shower Friday. Typical.

Anyway, after my kids saw Andrew, one of them was apparently inspired to write this gem.  In it's entirety:

Mindy Teacher and Andrew Teacher is married.  Mindy has a baby in her belly. (We just learned 'belly'. Hello, retention!)  When they married Andrew Teacher and Mindy Teacher kissed. (You bet yer sweet ass we did.)  After nine months the baby was born.  Mindy Teacher and Andrew Teacher was happy.  Mindy Teacher made mother's milk.  Mindy Teacher feed the baby mother's milk.  Andrew Teacher saw Mindy Teacher's jellyfish.  (Blue Class slang for boobies.  And also, note the use of possessive nouns.  So proud!)  So Mindy was surprized so Mindy Teacher yelled "don't look at my jellyfish!"  And the baby was surprized so the baby cried.  -Ashley Kwan

There are literally no words for how proud I felt.  Vocab retention and use of possessive nouns?! Hallelujah, they ARE learning!

My favorite color is rainbow

Sometimes a girl needs a break.

Anyway.

You know how when you have a dog and it's the center of your universe? You smother it with love and kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs.  Everything you own is covered in dog fluff because you take that damn dog with you everywhere.  It is your constant companion.

And then one day, you bring home another dog.  This New Dog is in no way a replacement. As a matter of fact, this New Dog is supposed to keep Top Dog company.  But that's not how Top Dog sees it.  New Dog is the ultimate threat, only there to usurp your limited amount of love, kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs. So Top Dog starts vying for your affection in the most pathetic ways. Top Dog is all, "Look at me! Look at me!" Barking and dancing around as soon as you open the front door; using his free time to devise elaborate fetching routines to impress you with; smothering you with love, kisses and peanut-butter filled kongs.

On Monday morning a new student joined Blue Class, and Blue Class instantly became all, "Look at me!  Look at me!"  By lunch time my desk was littered with I Love You cards and Thank You for Teaching Us cards.  They had even turned the entire white board into one giant Thank You note, complete with pictures of Shelby, my *actual* Top Dog.

Most of the cards are tacked to walls around my desk, but this gem had to come home with me.  It's fridge-worthy, dammit!

From Ashley, who is ambidextrous 

and insists upon signing her name with hearts. *SWOON*

And inside:

An explosion of hearts and stars and rainbows and gumdrops. 

No need for words; I think this says it all.

So, how was your day?

Extremely Frustrating and Incredibly Boring

So yeah, I finished the damn book and was utterly... UNDERWHELMED. The ending was so frustratingly devoid of, well, anything. Kind of like this post.

So here:


My second favorite ginger, Josh Homme, lending the "What, What in the Butt" guy a little harmony.

Happy Hump Day!

Extremely Fast and Incredibly Slow

I read very quickly. Last week, I read five books. (I was also broke and on vacation.) None were particularly interesting, thought-provoking, or even that memorable. Perhaps that is why I read them so quickly. However, I started a book last night called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. He also wrote a pretty famous book called Everything is Illuminated, which I have yet to read. Anyway, I started reading this book last night, and was instantly so engaged that I *almost* passed up sex. Yes, sex. I almost never pass up sex, unless it's for food, in which case I have to play a mental game of Rock, Scissor, Paper to decide which to do first.

But I digress.

This book is heartbreaking. I want to cry every time I open it. Foer writes with a longing that is palpable. I can feel this book.

I usually devour books; I cannot get through them fast enough. When I was a kid, I used to read the last page of every book just to know how quickly or slowly I should read it.  Once, I locked myself in my room on Christmas Day and read Stephen King's Desperation, all 1.8 pounds of it, in one day. The next morning, when I triumphantly announced that I'd finished, my dad was pissed. "Why do I even bother buying books if you're just going to read them in one day?! Make them last a few days, for fuck's sake."

But this book is like my favorite meal.  When placed in front of me, I want to devour it and savour it. I'm starving and yet I want to taste every word. It is filet mignon: juicy, tender and full of flavor. Foer's words roll around in my mouth and in my brain and I never want him to stop writing. But I'm reading it as if it were Taco Bell: quickly, and without thinking.

Dad, I will try to make this last a few days, for fuck's sake.

Hitler has to Desk Warm

Perhaps the greatest thing to hit the ROK since Kickin' it in Guemchon. (Which, btw, was THE anthem of 2008.)  Thanks, Casey.


And also, I was completely unaware of the "pristine beaches of Bangkok." Must have missed those my last time through.